Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Top 10 Reasons Soccer is Lame.

I guess this isn't really Braves related, but with the fifa world cup coming upon us I thought I would, in the words of Bill O'Reilly, bloviate just a bit. So for your enjoyment or perhaps possible outrage here is your top ten reasons soccer is lame.

10. Soccer is just plain gay. Not gay like Michael Scott uses the term. Gay like a bunch of guys running around doing girly things with other guys.,17603/

9. Let's face it soccer is full of a bunch of first class floppers. If I see another guy roll around on the field like he's just been shot, only to jump up and start running around as soon as he's carted off the field, I might just roll around on my couch until my wife calls 911. Maybe they'll take ME to the hospital where I won't have to watch another soccer game. Just sayin.

8. Tie? Yeah they still have those is soccer. It's like kissing your sister, you can try and argue that both parties win and you can even give them each a point and say "good job". But we all know that when you kiss you sister, NOBODY wins. Please soccer get rid of ties! That way we won't have to watch South Korea stick all their players on defense and hope for a 0-0 tie.

7. Soccer Fans. Yes, soccer fan's suck. Why can't you just let me hate soccer without trying to tell me how I would LOVE soccer if I only understood? Just because everyone else in third world countries has nothing better to watch, that doesn't mean that I don't. Enjoy your 0-0 ties and you once a millennium goals but leave the rest of us to our real sports.

6. "Soccer is just a bunch of guys running around trying not to touch a polka dot ball with their hands". Soccer is full of metro Europeans with fohawks and bleached hair. Most of these guys could take a lesson from Brad Paisley's "I'm still a guy".

5. Off-sides penalty. Before you tell me that football has an offsides penalty also, let me tell you that the two offsides penalties are nothing alike. In soccer the offsides penalty is given during LIVE action. Imagine a touchdown pass getting called back because the receiver was ahead of the quarterback when he threw the ball. That's the offsides they are calling in soccer.

4. They run around for a couple hours and NOTHING happens. The most exiting thing in soccer is when someone almost scores. When the players run around like they just wont he world cup every time a single goal is scored, you know there isn't enough scoring going on.

3. Did I mention you can still tie in soccer? Enough said

2. A lot of people don't know this but if the US and England had tied their last games with the same goal differential they would have broken he tie with a simple coin flip. Seriously soccer!? Seriously? I don't think I even want to go into how ridiculous it is that in the biggest tournament in the world is decided by goal differential but a coin flip? WOW...

1. Zero. That might also be the final total score to most soccer games, but that's not what I'm talking about here. Zero is actually the number of rule changes or innovations that soccer has made since its inception like a thousand years ago. Imagine the NBA still using a peach basket for a hoop. As the Gatorade jingle goes "if you want a revolution the only solution: EVOLVE". Soccer refuses to do this and so nobody in the US wants to watch. Many could say that it is popular all over the world so who cares? Well FIFA should, it's largest fan base lies in third world countries where innovation and ingenuity is obviously lagging a bit behind.

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